Betty Bassett: A Life

My best friend Mike broke up with me. I asked him for a year to become a better person. So I made a blog to keep track of what's going on with me and him. I hope that he would read it. There are no guarantees. Here's letter that I wrote to him today... Hi Mike, I just broke up with Jeff, decorated aviation commander. We had a 124 compatibility score on eharmony but he made me feel like a trained monkey. It wasn't easy to come to the conclusion that we were done. I wanted someone. He lived in Spokane Washington and was considering a move out to Dayton. I pushed all of his happy buttons but I think that I felt like I was in a straitjacket with him. I didn't like that feeling.   I miss you so incredibly. But I'm still working on becoming a better person. I don't think that I could give you the boundary and space that you need right now. And that's really important to me. To not have you ask again for space. I'm glad I have the forum of this blog...

Journal: April 15, 2021 The primary cause for the downfall of my relationship with my best friend Mike was that we were at cross purposes in our lives. We both had broken childhoods but of a different flavor. That was our foundation. Maybe it was why we resonated.   His life had been fraught with stress of a very traumatic sort that ate away at his self definition.   My life was simply one of neglect. At this juncture he wanted peace. At this juncture my mind raced. There was intellectual curiosity. I didn't suppress any feelings. I magnified them so that I could examine them under my microscope. I'm fascinated by psychology.   I opened new packages of trauma for us to examine every day. I didn't even think it would be hard on him. In the end that proved not to be the case.   I should have not been the neanderthal that I am and I should have realized that it wasn't healthy for me to subject him to all this. I should have real...

Dear Ryan, I feel like I've been everywhere in my mind today. I thought I would like to ween myself off of my antidepressants. And I thought I didn't want to see you because you are my delusion.  I care about you deeply. And it's my job to make you smile. But then I thought I wanted to obliterate.my world. Not to have a dependency of drugs. Not to have feelings for a man who couldn't reciprocate. I wanted things cutaway. I felt the weight and burden of the call to responsibility. And I was saddened to have been dealt the cards that were given to me. I felt my life squandered I haven't much to account for it. Jordan Peterson said to start with your own life first. Then your family and your job then your community. Your clients are not the only ones delusional Ryan. You and I are both choosing our of own delusions. But we are far more educated, refined and acceptable. Still we choose the myths by which we live. My myth is the myth of transcend...

Forward and onward As Freud believed in dream analysis so too I question the meaning of my dreams as I awake from my slumber. The trouble is I awaken five times each night. There are parts of dreams and I ponder their significance as I drift off to sleep again and again.   The morning comes and it is a new year, 2020. I have promised myself to be a forward-thinking person. So I look into the future and direct myself into the could be even as my dreams pull me into the past. I've played it over and over. The things that transpired in the last 3 days. The last three days between him and me.   Day 3 was rather short. I told him that I had cried. A retching ugly cry. I told him I felt like I had lost my best friend, like I'm mourning the loss of something that had been an intricate part of me. He considered me with detachment and asked me what did I want him to do with that.   I asked him if we should continue to see each other.  ...

Dear mom, I'm sorry that we don't understand each other.   I'm sorry that you were born a generation before me and I don't have the values of that generation. I'm sorry that there is a cultural divide between us.   There's so much difference between you and me. And I'm sorry for that.  I wish it was different. I'm sorry I couldn't go to Las Vegas when you asked me to.  I couldn't leave my daughter.  I feel that would be abandonment. I'm sorry I screamed at you.  I make $15/hour at my age because of many reasons but the most important reason is that I chose to spend the time nurturing my children instead of applying it to the job market. I'm a better person now and if you asked the same question I think I can now deal with it calmly to explain myself to you. You've had a lot of people let you down mom.  Many times it's you who drives them away.  And when you are responsible for the loneliness in your life it hurts most ...

Journal: April 14, 2021 Today was so quiet and empty in my life. I usually text Mike all day. That makes the time go by.  Now that he's gone. There's silence. And what am I going to do with that?   I wish I was good enough to deserve his friendship. I taught Mrs. Callahan's science class today. The kids were a little wild and rambunctious, nothing I can't handle. I think somebody took the essence out of colors today. They seem to have their brightness dimmed. I'm trying to sort out a new reality where Mike is not my best friend. It's quieter. Life is flat. It conveys itself in shades of gray. Jeff and I might have something brewing. Maybe. My take away so far is that I notice word choices to convey a concept. People have a roundabout way of conveying their point, like they don't have any idea about how to state what's going on.   This is a revelation to me and it was exactly what happened between me and Mike. I failed to under...

Journal: March 18 2021 On the city bus in Dayton I got a very chatty driver. He wanted to know where I had been. I said Sharpsburg, Maryland. I said that my friend and I had an argument. It didn't end well so I just grabbed my stuff and walked. To the bus station on foot. In another town. I caught a ride along the way but still, that's the story. He said that people these days feel that others are very disposable. You ain't never going to have a relationship unless you work at it.   I agreed. I suppose in my case that really didn't apply.

This was my letter from my best friend, Mike... Betty, I need to block you from my phone messages for a while.  At this point it's more than I can handle listening to without it stressing me out daily.   Wow.  I seriously need to improve.   I'm not a good person right now I guess.  And there is like enormous room for improvement.  I broke my word to him when we agreed to be friends: that is it is my job to put a smile on his face.   I failed at that more than I succeeded at it.   So I just have to figure out how to be a better person, how to be better somehow. I think there are things that I don't see about myself just simply because I'm cocky.  Simply because I tell myself that's who I am take it or leave it.   Maybe I can use this year to really work on that aspect of myself, the aspect of being a more positive influence genuinely.   I asked Mike to give me one year to get myself together ...

With Hung as my translator I suppose I will navigate the field laiden with  landmines to carve out a peace agreement with my  mother.  I really don't know how to do this.  My mother is from Vietnam.  There's a whole entire other culture at play here. I don't know where the cultural landmines are.  Between my mother and me there's also a generational divide.  The thing is you don't know what you don't know, so even with all good intentions of healing a relationship maybe it's just easier said than done.   Why would my mother want to have a relationship with me when she's always thought of me as less than deserving of anything much less her time?   I don't know. Maybe she doesn't. Sometimes I feel that what I think is important to her.  Sometimes I feel that my convictions are important to her but I could be wrong. For all the crimes that my mother has inflicted upon me at the end of the day there's a scale. Her deeds...

I lost custody of my daughter. Now it's time to look at a one year plan and then a ten year plan. What does everything falling into place look like?   Mike tells me that I need peace.   Cathy's relationship with me has always been troubled. But we were getting past everything because of Chris's stroke. Things had to become different. I wanted us to pull together. I wanted us to bury the hatchet.  That was in the winter.   But now it's spring and I lost custody of Breeanna. I wrote this to Cathy:  "Your father never had sufficient approval from you to give carte blanche to the next woman that he would marry after your mother's death." Judith and I had been tight. I had no social skills when I married Chris. I was a country bumpkin as all get out but Judith took me under her wings and included me in all the family get togethers. It was bizarre to be a part of a bustling family that celebrated every holiday and birthdays, a family ...

I was so inspired. During my wait at the Greyhound bus station in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania underneath the TV. Yeah. Me. Singing. I'm a superhero for killing all known aliens from this world with how bad my singing is. You're welcome. I've been saving lives. So. This guy. He said that he works in pharmaceuticals. There's always demand, he says. And a good 401K program. He keeps interrupting my singing with approval. After fifteen minutes of adoration from him interspersed with conversation, the story unfolds. He says my singing has a very narrow range. When I'm supposed to go high instead, I go low. He said really it wasn't the worst singing he's ever heard. And it is above nails scratching on a chalkboard. He likes Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. He said I needed to stretch my vocal cords and the way to accomplish that is singing in the shower. Boredom entailed as we waited the long hours until our bus departed. ...