September 21, 2019

Dear Ryan,

I feel like I've been everywhere in my mind today. I thought I would like to ween myself off of my antidepressants. And I thought I didn't want to see you because you are my delusion. 

I care about you deeply. And it's my job to make you smile.

But then I thought I wanted to obliterate.my world.

Not to have a dependency of drugs. Not to have feelings for a man who couldn't reciprocate. I wanted things cutaway.

I felt the weight and burden of the call to responsibility. And I was saddened to have been dealt the cards that were given to me. I felt my life squandered I haven't much to account for it.

Jordan Peterson said to start with your own life first. Then your family and your job then your community.

Your clients are not the only ones delusional Ryan. You and I are both choosing our of own delusions. But we are far more educated, refined and acceptable. Still we choose the myths by which we live.

My myth is the myth of transcendence. So what I feel for you transcends what societal norms dictate as ethical or unethical. What we are to each other transcend the rules.

You are but a social worker. You're somebody who helps indigents. How could you be held to the same standards as a therapist. It's inconceivable and unjust.

I'm the woman Ryan. According to Jordan Peterson I dictate the choices that we make.

According to Jordan Peterson I decide.

I live my life by virtues an ethics. So I deem us virtuous and ethical. I'm no stranger to philosophy or religion or ethics or logic.

We're not wrong for each other. There's not an imbalance of power.

I'm trying to find my way out of my solitude. There doesn't seem to be a way. The things that I have felt. The ways that I have commune my feelings. All may have just been an exercise.

At this juncture. But I know that you would not have me go back to the homeless shelter. That's not what you want. I know without asking.

My only true choice then it to have the electricity turned on.

No insurance no meds no Ryan.

I can bear this choice.

If it was only me. But I don't know how to leave you lonely for me. I can't leave knowing the ways that I could have affected your life.

So I'm crying. I don't know how to stop being sad.

I forgot Jordan Peterson's phraseology. It was something like if you were living your mostest or bestest life? It made me think of you. Helping you find peace within yourself in the things that you've chosen to be, putting a smile on your face, helping you find meaning in each day of your existence. This would be my mostest and bestest. And it would be my fulfillment. This would give me happiness. This is my adventure.

I think Jordan Peterson broke it down on a scale of creativeness and conscientiousness. Though I find myself quite the badass and hardly agreeable. When it comes to you it's a whole different ball game. I find that I could move the world for you. Or close myself off and not feel ever again for anything or anyone, if I needed to shut down. I can do this. I can be The walking Dead. I Can be nobody. I can be a fragmentof the person that was. It will Just depend on what I needed to be.

So these are just ideas that are swirling around in my head after an entire beer on a Saturday afternoon. And I don't need to make a decision until our one year mark.

Betty