Journal: April 7, 2021The thing about eHarmony is that it's pretty awesome. It's not free so you're avoiding scammers. I look at the intellect and self control score. If 100 is the average bear then how much does the score fall below or above.Mike says he always reads people's self description. I dismiss that. Mostly people can't write. Reading their profile just gives me a headache. Mike says there's information there. I'm at 114 for desire for relational closeness. If somebody is average at 100 I would come across as a stalker. So I will just stick to my statistics and numbers thank you very much.Michael from between San Francisco and Sacramento conversated with me in the early dawn hour of 4am. I love early mornings.He's a retired highway patrolman. Currently he's studying for his master's in psychology. Of course I'm all envy because I wish it was me. His undergrad was in business law. Initially he thought his direction would be to become a lawyer but he took a course correction and hasn't regretted it. Michael said it was really fun to talk to me after we conversated for 55 minutes.I told him about how I'm a superhero because my singing is so bad that it kills off all alien life on this planet. That is how I keep mankind safe.Anyways Michael is very musical and I said maybe we can video chat and he can play an instrument for me.Afterwards I can sing to him.I'm good at having good ideas.From 5-7am I dived back into slumber.When I awakened I continued my debate with Mike. He said:"The Buddhists say the past is delusional. It ain't there. And you are not who you were in the past. Same with the future. No use spending much time in either, they are not real now."I responded:"So his catalyst is delusional.He's a moron."Buddha is all about his beginning. It launched him. I told Mike:"Mike people. Cannot dismiss their past. It's called history. It is a story about ourselves. Those who do not study the past are doomed to make the same mistakes. People cannot just stick their heads in the ground and tell themselves that what they know is a delusion.There is more than the present. There is the past and the future."Mike spent the morning making a lawn YouTube thing. So industrious.I wrote to him:"Life is so beautiful Mike. On the one hand I resent being here, existing in a world where my mother never wanted me. On the other hand there is the beautiful sound of passing cars, a slight breeze, fresh cool air, birds on too much caffeine. Peach trees with dazzling blossoms, the low rumble of a truck engine. All these things and nothing at all.I still wish I wasn't here. Now that I can make the most difference to the most number of people The only thing that was important to me was my kids.Everything else is frosting."
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